I do not love breastfeeding. And I feel guilty about it. There it is, I said it, I confess. My mother always says that with each step of independence I gained as a toddler, the happier I became. To this day I still really do love my independence! This is why nursing is so hard for me, I feel so chained or like my wings have been clipped. Plus if she is up at night, she is most likely hungry and since I am the only one who can staisfy her, I loose out on my REM!
I recently made a selfish decision to go with the girls shopping on the base while in Oceanside. We ended up kind of getting lost and being gone a long time. Raya became hungry and was screaming for an undisclosed amount of time. Luckily she was with her daddy! However I feel so badly about this and am having a hard time forgiving myself.
I have a hand pump and try to pump out a small supply in the freezer for my freedom. This is lot of work and sometimes there are not enough hours in a day to try and pump too!
There are a few things that I do really like about nursing though. I like not ever having to wash bottles or wait for milk to warm. I like that besides my body's work, it is free! I like that it is best for both of us...except for the fact that I am always hungry and don't seem to loose weight. I have had some good bonding time too!
I have friends who nurse or have nursed and just loved it. Some simply love all the bonding time and others love the convenience. Probably due to my overtired state-of-being, I am feeling like I want to quit breastfeeding. I know that I will not actually give up, I am way to frugral to buy formula but I just wanted to send my feeling out into cyberspace and see how other women feel.
Don't give up! This is a really tough time. You've all just gone through a huge transition. I also did not enjoy bf with Sam. I just didn't feel anything. I fed him because I had to, but when I got sick and medicines interfered, I was somewhat relieved for the chance to "give up". I didn't even think I liked with Ellen, but the first morning that I didn't nurse her, I really missed that time.
ReplyDeleteSince I don't know your arrangements, I'll make a suggestion and just hope it's not moot. Can you "re-do" the situation you have as far as when/how you bf? Find a spot in your home, and make it yours. Go back to the way we nurse when they're just a few days old. Get a new chair that is comfy if you can (not a glider..they're comfy, but not if you doze off in them). Get a big cushy recliner (DI? or something like it), lots of pillows, a little cooler filled with water bottle or juices. A couple of boxes of snacks. DVDs or Netflix or whatever so that BF has "other" fun aspects to it. Bring something that you can put Raya down in when she's done at night, so that if you're just too tired and want to pass out there, you don't have to move. Make a little "nest". That was the easiest way for me - and I have high hopes for baby #3 and to make it not be so hard for me. (I've had so many struggles too!)
i HATE breastfeeding. hate, hate, hate it. i never produced enough milk so i had to pump every single day and supplement with formula. i went through a lot of pain and i know what you mean about needing that freedom-- my whole day was just pumping, cleaning, getting the milk warm, feeding, then doing it all over again. we finally switched to formula only and it is dang expensive but i actually felt sane. anyway, obviously your situation is different but i wanted to share that i dont have that love for bf like some women do-- and i dont think you have to feel guilty for saying that! it's hard, and no one ever expresses how hard it is. keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi Alicia, I know exactly how you feel when you say you want to quit. And it is worse when you're overtired. There are tons of women you feel the way you do, who need to read messages like yours - and mine. I just started a blog about this very thing, and in it I want to neither encourage or discourage quitting but open a dialogue about why the pressure to breastfeed is so high that we get guilt feelings about quitting. If you are interested in reading an entry or two of mine you are most welcome.
ReplyDeleteRegards,