Raya's Birthday and Other Pictures!

It is my birthday....

So what?

After much coaxing, she finally enjoyed her cake

Yeah for birthdays!!

Marissa's wedding....red shoes!

Irish soda bread

Valentine's Day lobster dinner

Christmas Photos

Spencer's foam knife from Raya (One of my family's tradtiosn as kids was going to a dollar store and buying gifts for other family members. It was always so much fun and really got us in the spirit of giving, so we started it this year!)

Raya's purse from Spencer

Raya's cell phone from Santa

Spencer's big cowboy gun from Santa

Raya's First Christmas

Sitting at the table for Christmas Eve Dinner

waiting to sit on Santa's lap

Playing dress up

Confessions from This Nursing Mother (Revisited)

I planned to nurse my baby for a year; I don't think I am going to make it. My baby is 7 months old, she loves soilds and doesn't see to like even being latched on any more. I feel like my supply is down and she doesn't even care to stay on and help get my supply up. She nurses and then cries. I felt so bad that I offered her a bottle and voila! that's what she wanted. My poor hungry baby.
I am really depressed about all this. That I can't produce enough to satify her or not caloric enough. She still fits in most 3-6 months clothes since she is still like 14 lbs. She hasn't reached double her birth weight, which babies are supposed to reach by 6 months. Everyone comments on how tiny she is.
 I tried so hard to make it. I really struggled around 4 months and somehow survived on about 5 hours of interupted sleep as I tended to her hungry cries, hoping to get my supply up. I took Fenugreek, an herb that helps boost your supply. It worked for a little bit. But truly my breasts haven't felt really good a full for a few months. I use to wake up full but now I can go 12 hours between feedings and not feel much difference. I know that she gets feed and satisfied sometimes because I can hear her swallow and she is a very happy baby.
I am sure I have done something wrong like letting her have a pacifier and giving her a bottle at night. Yet many other moms do this and still nurse for a year or more. I feel guilty and angry and sad.  I don't understand why I could be a "strudy mountain women" and push her out drug free but not be able to nurse her for a year.  I put trust in my body to do it but now feel like I was forcing something that wasn't meant to be.  I tried so hard and now not to make it to a year, I feel like a failure.  What was the point of trying so hard just to come up short in the end anyway?
And now I have to buy formula....great.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep!

As most of you know, since returning from our travels over a month ago, we have been batteling Raya at night. I am sorry for the constant brain fog I have been in and for all my belly aching about my lack of sleep.
She seems to wake up at 11pm, no matter what I do....I have tried everything. And then at 2:30 and 4:30 and so on. I feel like I have been to my wit's end and back!
So last night I nursed her at 11pm, closed the door to both our rooms, turned the fan on high and the monitor next to the bed off. I went to bed and although I still woke up a few times I didn't get up for good until 6:30. If Raya cried through the night I didn't hear her and she woke up at 7am happy! This is glorious and we plan to keep up this routine!
A special thanks to my dear hubby who supported me and helped with the late night baby issues, couldn't have done it without you!

Confessions from this Nursing Mother

I do not love breastfeeding. And I feel guilty about it. There it is, I said it, I confess. My mother always says that with each step of independence I gained as a toddler, the happier I became. To this day I still really do love my independence! This is why nursing is so hard for me, I feel so chained or like my wings have been clipped. Plus if she is up at night, she is most likely hungry and since I am the only one who can staisfy her, I loose out on my REM!

I recently made a selfish decision to go with the girls shopping on the base while in Oceanside. We ended up kind of getting lost and being gone a long time. Raya became hungry and was screaming for an undisclosed amount of time. Luckily she was with her daddy! However I feel so badly about this and am having a hard time forgiving myself.

I have a hand pump and try to pump out a small supply in the freezer for my freedom. This is lot of work and sometimes there are not enough hours in a day to try and pump too!

There are a few things that I do really like about nursing though. I like not ever having to wash bottles or wait for milk to warm. I like that besides my body's work, it is free! I like that it is best for both of us...except for the fact that I am always hungry and don't seem to loose weight. I have had some good bonding time too!

I have friends who nurse or have nursed and just loved it. Some simply love all the bonding time and others love the convenience. Probably due to my overtired state-of-being, I am feeling like I want to quit breastfeeding. I know that I will not actually give up, I am way to frugral to buy formula but I just wanted to send my feeling out into cyberspace and see how other women feel.

I Lost it!

So as some of you know, we are crazy. We did 3 weeks of traveling with an almost 3 year old and 3 month old, to visit with 3 of our 4 families. As much fun as this was, and at times was not, now I am really suffering. Before our trips Raya was sleeping 8 hour stretches and nursing once during my night sleep. During our trips it got pretty bad and now we have been home for 2 weeks and things are still not good.
Some people have kids that sleep 12 hours and take naps on top of that (I know of a few)!! Not even Spencer does that. He goes to bed at 8 and wakes around 6 most days and then takes a 2 hour nap. Why are my kids short/poor sleepers? Is it because I am a bad sleeper too? Every little noise seems to waks me up and my arms go numb if I lay on one side too long so I am always moving. It is a good thing that Chad is a good sleeper...he sleeps through noises and all my tossing and turning. Hey why don't our hildren have his good sleeping gene?


At Church today I had been wrestling my over tired baby down for a nap in my arms for an hour. I was all hot and sore from standing/pacing and as always very tired. When my friend asked how I was, I lost it. Tears started streaming and I felt so embarrassed.


Chad walked me home and I put Raya in her crib and then attempted to nap...5 minutes later she was awake.

I have been praying that it gets better...I have reached my breaking point.

More Pictures

Nathan and Wyatt

Just Daddy and Spencer

The Cousins!!

Most of the Gang with Great-Grandpa!

Most of the Gang with Grandpa!

My Family!

The Three Fortie Grandkids!!

Brother & Sister!

naptime!

Back row: Jennifer, me, Paige and Michelle

Front row: Nathan, Spencer and Connor

Jennifer, me & Michelle

Spencer was tired that he fell asleep on the tube

wetsuit Spencer

Mommy & a lifevest that swallowed Raya

Daddy & Spencer

Grandpa & Spencer