Confessions from This Nursing Mother (Revisited)

I planned to nurse my baby for a year; I don't think I am going to make it. My baby is 7 months old, she loves soilds and doesn't see to like even being latched on any more. I feel like my supply is down and she doesn't even care to stay on and help get my supply up. She nurses and then cries. I felt so bad that I offered her a bottle and voila! that's what she wanted. My poor hungry baby.
I am really depressed about all this. That I can't produce enough to satify her or not caloric enough. She still fits in most 3-6 months clothes since she is still like 14 lbs. She hasn't reached double her birth weight, which babies are supposed to reach by 6 months. Everyone comments on how tiny she is.
 I tried so hard to make it. I really struggled around 4 months and somehow survived on about 5 hours of interupted sleep as I tended to her hungry cries, hoping to get my supply up. I took Fenugreek, an herb that helps boost your supply. It worked for a little bit. But truly my breasts haven't felt really good a full for a few months. I use to wake up full but now I can go 12 hours between feedings and not feel much difference. I know that she gets feed and satisfied sometimes because I can hear her swallow and she is a very happy baby.
I am sure I have done something wrong like letting her have a pacifier and giving her a bottle at night. Yet many other moms do this and still nurse for a year or more. I feel guilty and angry and sad.  I don't understand why I could be a "strudy mountain women" and push her out drug free but not be able to nurse her for a year.  I put trust in my body to do it but now feel like I was forcing something that wasn't meant to be.  I tried so hard and now not to make it to a year, I feel like a failure.  What was the point of trying so hard just to come up short in the end anyway?
And now I have to buy formula....great.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep!

As most of you know, since returning from our travels over a month ago, we have been batteling Raya at night. I am sorry for the constant brain fog I have been in and for all my belly aching about my lack of sleep.
She seems to wake up at 11pm, no matter what I do....I have tried everything. And then at 2:30 and 4:30 and so on. I feel like I have been to my wit's end and back!
So last night I nursed her at 11pm, closed the door to both our rooms, turned the fan on high and the monitor next to the bed off. I went to bed and although I still woke up a few times I didn't get up for good until 6:30. If Raya cried through the night I didn't hear her and she woke up at 7am happy! This is glorious and we plan to keep up this routine!
A special thanks to my dear hubby who supported me and helped with the late night baby issues, couldn't have done it without you!

Confessions from this Nursing Mother

I do not love breastfeeding. And I feel guilty about it. There it is, I said it, I confess. My mother always says that with each step of independence I gained as a toddler, the happier I became. To this day I still really do love my independence! This is why nursing is so hard for me, I feel so chained or like my wings have been clipped. Plus if she is up at night, she is most likely hungry and since I am the only one who can staisfy her, I loose out on my REM!

I recently made a selfish decision to go with the girls shopping on the base while in Oceanside. We ended up kind of getting lost and being gone a long time. Raya became hungry and was screaming for an undisclosed amount of time. Luckily she was with her daddy! However I feel so badly about this and am having a hard time forgiving myself.

I have a hand pump and try to pump out a small supply in the freezer for my freedom. This is lot of work and sometimes there are not enough hours in a day to try and pump too!

There are a few things that I do really like about nursing though. I like not ever having to wash bottles or wait for milk to warm. I like that besides my body's work, it is free! I like that it is best for both of us...except for the fact that I am always hungry and don't seem to loose weight. I have had some good bonding time too!

I have friends who nurse or have nursed and just loved it. Some simply love all the bonding time and others love the convenience. Probably due to my overtired state-of-being, I am feeling like I want to quit breastfeeding. I know that I will not actually give up, I am way to frugral to buy formula but I just wanted to send my feeling out into cyberspace and see how other women feel.